Start with Why

Overview

My partner and I have been married for over a decade and experienced several low points. We sometimes didn’t connect, misread each other, or weren’t supportive. During those times, I sometimes wondered, “Why are we together?”

It wasn’t until I read Simon Sinek’s book Start with Why that I realized my relationship lacked a WHY that could be used like a magnet to keep us connected. So, on our 10th anniversary trip to St. Lucia, I brought a notebook to every restaurant. After we ordered and before we ate, we walked through a set of questions to help us remember why we got together.

💡 The answers resulted in our Relationship Why, providing clarity, connection, and the foundation for our relationship culture.

Whether you are 1, 5, 10, or 25+ years into your partnership, defining your relationship why is crucial to creating or elevating an intentional relationship culture at home.

(❗️Warning: there’s homework at the end of this.)

Issue(s)

In your relationship, the butterflies in your stomach, the extra grooming, and the fear of your partner seeing a hole in your underwear will disappear with time.

Ideally, you’ll replace those initial “sparks” with a deep and mature understanding of your partner. However, many of us spend years with our partner and don’t feel included or valued in the partnership we created.

If you don’t feel included, able to contribute your strengths, or stuck in a status quo, you will be less focused and engaged in your relationship than enrapt by it.

And let’s be clear: you’re here because you want to be captivated by your relationship.

Analysis:

A Gallup study indicates that when an employee has a 10% increased connection with their organization's purpose, that leads to an 8.1% decrease in turnover and a 4.4% increase in profits.

Translate that to your relationship:
Suppose you and your partner agree to and understand the purpose for your relationship. If you do, you can decrease the likelihood of asking, “Why are we together?” and instead focus on “How can we spend more time together?”

If you’re skeptical, consider this study that says if you have personal goals and a sense of purpose you will have higher relationship satisfaction. If that’s true of your individual pursuits, imagine how a joint sense of purpose with your partner could elevate your relationship.

So what is a Relationship Why?

It’s a short paragraph (+ or -) that captures what each of you brings to the relationship, how that’s important, and where you’re going with that vibe. It might touch on values, lead to your outlook on life, or be anything meaningful to both of you.

Solution:

Instead of leaving that story of how you and your partner got together for a story during cocktail hour, bring it to the forefront of your relationship by writing out your Relationship Why.

Understanding your Relationship Why will:

• Remind yourself of who you were

• Identify your purpose for being together

• Include and recognize each person’s strengths

• Anchor you to a shared passion for each other

• Give you clarity for all your future decisions and actions

• Serve as true north whenever you need to reconnect

By clarifying your purpose together, you’ll recognize each person’s strengths and the significance of your partner’s presence in your life, adding value for both of you.

Action:

Before you sprint into writing a paragraph about your Relationship Why, take it slow.
Spend time remembering the first day, weeks, and months that you met your partner.

Then open up the conversation by answering one of the questions below on your own, then sharing your response with your partner.

• What did I enjoy about you when you were around my family?

• Why did I look forward to talking with you?

• What made me feel at ease with you?

• What made me feel proud of you?

The process of writing out your relationship why takes time.
Work on it in small, focused sessions.

Taking a break from the activity can help you savor memories you might have forgotten and inspire new thoughts when you return to it.

Conclusion:

Your relationship why is not something you write and then put away in a box.

Your Relationship Why is something to keep out front and center and revisited later to build your relationship culture?

Thrive together,

Michelle

P.S. If you like my weekend content, you may also enjoy my weekday posts about intentional connection, direction, and growth in life and at work.
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