How to Sandwich Intentional Time with your Partner in between Your Existing Habits

Have you ever wondered why some couples seem to effortlessly maintain healthy habits while others struggle to create positive routines? Well, the secret lies in understanding how much control you have over your habits and your ability to design your habits in a way that shapes your relationship. Drawing inspiration from James Clear's bestselling book, "Atomic Habits," we're going to explore two powerful concepts: Implementation Intention and Habit Stacking.

Don’t worry, these tools don’t require a radical change of mind (though you could go that deep if you want!), but instead use the simple, purposeful placement of a new habit into the daily or weekly routine you’re already doing.

By applying these tools to your own habits and those you share with your partner, you'll be well on your way to changing your routine days into a thriving relationship.

Implementation Intention: Setting a Clear Time and Place for Your Habit

Implementation intention is about creating a concrete plan for the what, where, and when of your new behavior. The mere act of making a decision of where and when to implement your new habit makes you more likely to follow through and achieve your desired outcome. In the context of your relationship, this means deciding together what you want to achieve, and coordinating a specific time to do that new behavior together.

Consider this scenario: You and your partner want to increase the number of conversations you have. Instead of generally saying to each other, “I really wish we communicated more” and then hoping for increased conversations, instead set a clear implementation intention.

This requires you to go a little step further. What behavior do you want, when do you want to do it and where? Using the implementation intention, you make a commitment to have a 5-minute conversation at 7:00am to check in with each other and connect on a deeper level. By clearly defining the behavior, the specific time, and the location of where you and your partner will do this then each of you are more likely to follow through and reap the benefits of regular communication.

Examples of using the Implementation Intention tool:

• We will communicate for 5 minutes at 7:00am each day we’re standing by the coffee maker.

• On Saturdays at 8:00am, we will take a walk and hold hands on the trail.

• I will take a Post-it note from my bedside table, write an encouraging note to my partner at 9:00pm then stick it on my partner’s mirror so they can read it the next day.

Habit Stacking: Leveraging Existing Routines for Growth

Habit stacking is a powerful technique that involves linking a new habit to an existing one, making it easier to incorporate into your daily life. By linking positive habits together, you create a domino effect where one positive action leads to another.

Let's take the same communication scenario we talked about with our implementation intention. You and your partner want to introduce more conversations into your relationship. You both want to do this in the morning, but that 7:00am timing is a mark you’re afraid you’ll miss. What if you sleep in? What if you’re running around doing other things and get distracted?

To find time for communication using habit stacking, you first need to find an existing habit that you and your partner both consistently engage in. Instead of a specific time or place, think about all the behaviors and actions you each take in the morning (or whenever you want to implement your new behavior). So if your goal is to communicate more in morning, each of you should list out your morning behaviors. You and your partner’s lists may look something like this:

Habit stacking selects an existing behavior and stacks a new habit after it, seamlessly sandwiching the new habit into your routine. Do you and your partner have any similarities in your routine morning behavior? If so, use that similar habit as the anchor habit, then stack your new habit of talking for 5 minutes right after it.

In our example behavior lists above, that might mean your anchor habit is drinking a morning brew, so instead of drinking that drink separately what if you both sit and drink your morning tea, coffee, or power drink together before either of you leave for work? The what, where and when, of your new habit gets baked into your normal routine when you stack a new habit within your existing ones.

Examples of habit stacking in a relationship:

• After we finish eating, we will stay at the table and talk for 15 minutes about each other’s day.

• Before we each get out of bed, we will hold hands and tell each other one thing we’re grateful for about each other.

• After I make my coffee, I will write a note of appreciation on a Post-it and stick it on my partner’s coffee cup.

Integrating a positive relationship habit into your routine can bring you personal growth and joy. And there’s another benefit you reap when you form habits with your partner.

Briefly consider your day devoid of this new habit with your partner. Are you just passing each other by in the hallway or kitchen? Are you barely getting a real conversation in? Do you ever share physical touch from your partner? Does it look like the day you had today?

With an intentional habit done together, you and your partner create a connection. A relationship pulse check that allows you to be mindful of one another, share appreciation and gain greater understanding of each other.

By trying and using the implementation intention and habit stacking tools, you're well-equipped to assess your own habits and those within your partnership to find out where you can create more pulse checks each day.

It’s the small change and even a singular choice we make each day, though subtle, will lead to extraordinary transformation.

Reflect on one area in your relationship where you'd like increased connection. (Need ideas? Think about your current communication, physical touch, time for laughter, need for planning, time for dreaming or fun & games…the list goes on!)

1. What is a behavior you and your partner want to add or have more of?

2. When is the best time to add-in that behavior?

   • Is there a specific time you’ll consistently be able to meet?

   • What similar habits do you have on which you can anchor this new habit?

3. Write down your specific intention using either the Implementation Intention or Habit Stacking formula and stick it on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror.

4. Take action.

You can do this! Take these tools, brainstorm ideas, and experiment with them in your daily life. One simple change can cause your relationship to flourish in ways you never thought possible.

Embrace the power of habits and let them guide you towards a deeper and more meaningful connection with your partner.