Intentional Repair

Overview

Wear and tear occur naturally on everything you use. Cars immediately come to mind—oil changes, dinged-up doors, and flat tires. Your favorite pair of pants suddenly loses an ankle seam.

And your relationship has points of disagreement, actions that hurt, and words that cut even deeper.

Issue(s)

Harms left unaddressed have an inherent strength to grow and create bigger problems.

Not changing your oil will cause your engine to seize. Not fixing your pant seam will cause you to trip over your hem or get so fed up that you throw out your pants.

Not working through your argument with your partner will leave you both feeling disconnected, unsupported, and alone.

Analysis:

The way to avoid all the negative results of wear and tear is to repair the items you use.

Let’s think about the word repair. It doesn’t mean “fix forever” it means “fix or mend”.

Put that into an example: One oil change isn’t enough. You repeatedly have to change your car’s oil.

Put that into context: You repeatedly have to repair your relationship.

John and Julie Gottman are experts in relationships and recently released their book Fight Right which recognizes that fighting is a natural occurrence in relationships. The key to persevering through those disagreements is repairing your relationship with words that demonstrate empathy, understanding, and a willingness to connect.

There isn’t one key phrase that wins them all. It’s more about recognizing your or your partner’s needs and clarifying that need or expressing a form of support. ( 💡 Many of these translate to the workplace, too.)

🔑 Moments to look for and an example phase for each:

• An emotion is dominating your thoughts.

  • I feel blamed. Do you really think that and if not can you rephase that?

• You aren’t feeling heard.

  • This is important to me. Can you please put down your phone and listen?

• You realize you did something hurtful.

  • Let me try again. I over-reacted that go-around.

• Lack of comprehension and rational thought.

  • It all feels a bit overwhelming. I need to pause this conversation and would like to revisit this with you tomorrow.

• You see the logic in what your partner has said.

  • I’m starting to understand. Can you explain that more?

• You recognize one fight isn’t the end of the world.

  • This isn’t your problem, it’s our problem.

Read this article about Gottman’s book for more examples of the phrases you can use. ( 👆️ Worth the two-minute read.)

Solution:

Embrace the reality that every relationship experiences its fair share of wear and tear, just like any well-loved and well-lived object.

It's crucial not to underestimate the importance of tending to these inevitable bumps and scratches in your relationship, addressing them promptly and with care.

Action:

As you reflect upon your relationship, don’t just make an effort to apply repairing words to your future bumps.

Consider the past and the moments when you may have overlooked the need for repair. Did you delay addressing an issue, hoping it would simply fade away, only for it to grow into a larger concern? Is a harm still out there needing some TLC?

👉️ What steps can you take to repair the past, address the present, and prepare for the future maintenance of your relationship?

Conclusion:

Don’t let negative words, disagreements, or painful actions sit too long.

⚒️ Repair your relationship in or near the moment of harm.

Your partner will ❤️ you for it.

Let’s grow together,

Michelle @ Partnership Pulse

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P.P.S. Warm welcome to those who joined Partnership Pulse last week! I’m certain you’re the reason Punxsutawney Phil didn’t see his shadow and spring is arriving early!