Intentional Reality

Overview

I love a trashy romance novel, sci-fi movie, or a.k.a. my “preferred” reality.
I know you do, too.

We’re safe in our dreams & movies.

But here’s the thing:
We rarely get an “ideal” story in real life.

It’s time to face the mirror and live in reality.
(You’ll be better for it.)

Issue(s)

It’s a whole lot easier (and usually accepted)
to vent about how you wish the real world would be different.

• My boss keeps picking on me. He told me I could improve by being a team player!

• Did you see that Dameon came in 20 minutes late…again? He’s so unprofessional—that’s 13 days this month!

• My partner always leaves their coat on the floor to spite me.

You know what I’m talking about.

Something that took 1 minute or less
and stuck with you all day (or weeks) like dirt under your nails.

We’ve all been there, whether it’s something at work or home.

Analysis:

Venting, griping, worrying, analyzing (or tracking) someone else’s actions takes up a significant amount of your time and (usually) doesn’t change reality.

• Your boss will still give you feedback.

• Dameon is still going to arrive late.

• Your partner’s coat? You guessed it, still on the floor.

Instead, what if…

What if you recognized reality and then used that time on yourself,
and how you could be great.

After all, you’re the only thing you can control in life.

Solution:

My HR crush, Cy Wakeman, shares the importance of distilling situations into facts, dispensing with what’s our “preferred” reality, and embracing the true reality.

The first examples contained some story, but here are the bare facts:

• Your boss gave you feedback.

• Dameon is at work.

• A coat is on the floor.

Your preferred reality makes up a story to go along with the facts. Stories aren’t always accurate. Instead of obsessing over your unpreferred reality, try instead:

• My boss gave me feedback; could any of that be true about me?

• Dameon arrived; how could I help him get caught up to speed quickly?

• A coat is on the floor; what could I do to be great here?

When objectively examining a situation, you recognize that your power doesn’t come from complaining, tattling, or being frustrated with someone else’s story. Your power comes from using what you can control—your thoughts and actions.

Action:

When you catch yourself imagining your partner’s intentions, inventing unsaid dialogue, or wishing a situation was different, disrupt your thinking by asking yourself these questions:

• What do I know for sure?

  • Am I adding a narrative that isn’t true?

• How can I help?

  • Can I assist the other person or myself to move past this?

• What would great look like here?

  • If someone was reading this page in my book, what could I do to demonstrate I’m the hero in this story?

Bonus: In this video, Cy shares a story about her former partner maxing out their credit cards on a pivotal night and how asking these three questions shook her from a moment of devastated anger to success.

Conclusion:

Your mind can sometimes trap you in a spiraling story that positions your partner against you. Rather than lying awake at night, identify what you know for sure and have a conversation with your partner about reality instead of the one you made up.

What does being a great partner look like in your reality?

Thrive together,

Michelle

P.S. I’m so excited about this! I recently shared my top strategic relationship tips with Erin Gerner, host of the Powerhouse Lawyers podcast! You don’t have to be an attorney or female to resonate with my ideas and tools.

🎧️ To listen, click here. (To skip my legal background & how this newsletter started, then start around 13:35.) To read the highlights, click here.

P.P.S. I forgot to send this edition last Saturday. 😬 To make it up to you, I’m sharing my Ultimate Partner Retreat Packing List with each of you for free! 🤗