Intentional Facts Beyond Change

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Overview

Facts beyond change are the realities of your life or situation that will stick with you. They often feel like “bad” facts—annoyances, roadblocks, or really uncomfortable things you don’t like to think about.

The key to overcoming these facts is to:

1. Acknowledge and respect the fact.

2. Align with it by accepting, bridging, or overcoming it.

Issue(s)

Quick fact, I was a criminal defense litigator for six years and finished my career there by securing a verdict of not guilty for a client charged with murder.

When lawyers prepare a case for trial, we seek a theory of our case. This theory is our side of the story - what do we think really happened? In preparing that theory, we identify the facts beyond change. The facts that exist with evidence and which will come into the trial.

If I ignored a fact beyond change — maybe I didn’t talk about it at all or denounced it and said it didn’t happen — then I would alienate my audience and lose my case. Why?

Because everyone else sees that fact, it’s real. It's grounded in reality. I can’t get away from it. Yet…I didn’t acknowledge it. 🫣 

The problem: now the jury would think I’m untruthful and hiding information, I’m afraid (and thus probably have a guilty client), or I’m delusional because I don’t grasp the situation.

Analysis:

Addressing a fact beyond change and working into your story:

• acknowledges reality and creates a space for open and honest communication

• level-sets information and ensures each person is working from the same understanding and

• empowers agency by permitting you to take control of the narrative

Examples:

If a fact beyond change in your relationship is you and your partner are $20,000 in debt, instead of hiding from that fact and accruing more debt, craft a relationship strategy to pay down that debt and be a money success story.
→ Overcome: design a path to reduce the influence of this fact.

If your partner is a die-hard couch potato with extensive movie knowledge but you want to get out of the house, find a movie trivia night to bridge his interest with your need to socialize.
→ Bridge: create an aligned advantage.

If your partner hurt you and apologized, you can stay stuck in that hurt or use it as a turning point in your relationship to grow and move forward.
→ Bridge: deepen connection and understanding.

When your partner keeps piling coats on the coat tree instead of hanging them neatly on a hook, you can either get angry or accept that you prefer a tidy coat rack and leave it or rearrange the coats and then move on.
→ Accept: unlock your fixed mindset and enter a growth mindset.

You choose to let the fact beyond change control you, or you can control it.

Solution:

Take ownership of it rather than avoid or continue to grumble about a fact beyond change.

1. Acknowledge and respect the fact

   You don’t have to like the fact, but you must be aware of its existence as if you'd identify a traffic jam on the road.

2. Align it with your strategy

   Instead of giving away your control, make the fact work for you.

   → Accept: You don’t need to take action other than recognizing it
   → Bridge: you seek a solution to bridge the fact with what you want

   → Overcome: you take steps to minimize the negative force of the fact

Additional questions to consider:

• What is the ideal future state of your relationship?

• How can you positively tie a fact into your relationship?

• Do you have to do something with the fact?

• Is merely accepting it as a fact beyond change (rather than hiding from or grumbling about it) enough?

Action:

1. Acknowledge: list out the facts beyond change in your relationship.

2. Align: next to each fact, write one strategy: accept, bridge or overcome.

Conclusion:

Although hiding from reality may seem tempting, acknowledging reality can provide a powerful platform for personal and relational growth. Embrace the courage to face the truth, and watch how it empowers you to grow and build a stronger relationship.

Thrive together,

Michelle

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P.P.S. If you like my monthly content, you may also enjoy my weekday posts about intentional connection, direction, and growth in life and at work.
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