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Overview

Crucial conversations are necessary for a good relationship and are not like regular chats. They happen when you need to share or discuss a strong idea that might prompt someone to take action.

Keeping seven ground rules in place will help you embrace these conversations to strengthen your relationship.

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Issue:

It’s the critical nature of crucial conversations that causes you to approach them differently than something such as where to go for dinner.

The stakes are much higher. There’s potential for serious disagreement, erratic emotions, and a derailment of the rest of your day.

Reasons you might avoid crucial conversations:

• assumption of a negative result

• desire for harmony

• conflict avoidance

• fear of rejection

• lack of skills

Recognizing your trigger for avoiding crucial conversations is the first step toward growth and progress.

Analysis:

Sure, there could be a negative consequence.

But there’s just as much if not more, potential for earnest agreement, gracious emotions, and realignment of your relationship. These critical conversations improve relationships by allowing you and your partner to develop a system for facing and overcoming challenges.

Reasons to embrace a crucial conversation:

• strengthen foundational connection

• clarify perspectives or expectations

• improve understanding

• align your goals

• clear the air

If you have ever run a half-marathon or finished a tough team project at work, you know the feeling of relief and accomplishment when it's all done. You can experience that same sense of victory with your partner through successful crucial conversations.

Solution:

Kerry Patterson’s book Crucial Conversations provides a seven-step model for approaching a high-stakes conversation with your partner.

Here are her seven ground rules
(strategically reordered for your benefit):

1. Start with positive intent: Begin the conversation with empathy and positive intent, creating a safe space for open dialogue. Avoid casting shade on it from the start, and if you do, ask your partner for a restart.

2. Agree on a mutual purpose: Establish a shared goal or purpose for the conversation. It could be as simple as a promise to share honestly and listen openly to another, or it could be related to a specific result you’re hoping to achieve. Use this agreement as a gentle reminder later in the conversation to re-focus if you stray off-topic.

3. Make it safe: Foster an environment of physical and mental safety in which each of you is comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings, no matter what they are. The good, bad, and ugly may come out during this time, but acknowledging information exchange as part of the process will help you accept this step.

4. Break check your emotions: Avoid being overwhelmed by emotions or allowing emotions to control the conversation. Pause and assess what you’re feeling to determine what thoughts are valid and which are throwing your rational thoughts off balance.

5. Stay in the dialogue: Instead of retreating from the room or silencing your voice, stay in the moment with your partner. Continue to learn more from your partner by asking open-ended questions and sharing your thoughts.

6. Separate facts from the story: Differentiate between objective facts and subjective interpretations to ensure clarity and avoid misunderstandings.

7. Agree on a clear action plan: Conclude the conversation with a concrete action plan, ensuring you’re aligned and committed to moving forward.

Action:

Do some internal reflection and ask yourself:

• What conversations have I been avoiding?

• What impact might avoiding those conversations have on my relationship?

• Are there any patterns I notice?

Then take steps to address one crucial topic with your partner this week.

If you don't have any critical conversations to address, use this time to share with your partner the seven guidelines for crucial conversations.

Here’s one way to start the conversation:

• I've been thinking about how we handle serious topics, and I would like to hear your thoughts on some guidelines we could use during these conversations to address issues and find solutions faster. Can I share some ideas with you?

Conclusion:

Approaching these conversations with a genuine desire for understanding, a commitment to see them through, and an openness to find a solution together will build a resilient relationship.

Thrive together,

Michelle

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P.P.S. If you like my weekend content, you may also enjoy my weekday posts about intentional connection, direction, and growth in life and at work.
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