- Partnership Pulse
- Posts
- Intentional Boundaries
Overview
Boundaries are crucial to enhance individual and team performance. Everyone wants to know their needs are respected and their time protected.
Yet, we often say “yes” or “no” too quickly, without recognizing the impact those boundaries (or lack thereof) have on our time and our relationships.
Issue(s)
Boundaries may act as barbed wire - a fence intended to scrape and snag anyone who tries to cross it.
This can harm the person who sets the boundary - you become defensive if someone challenges your boundary. It may also hurt the person trying to break through your boundary, who may feel you’re intentionally trying to distance yourself from them.
Analysis:
Instead of establishing boundaries that are guarded with barbed wire, consider setting up boundaries as velvet ropes creating an orderly line to view the Mona Lisa.
Velvet boundaries create a navigable path, often providing direction and an invitation to see something closer, yet still protecting something important. It fosters respect instead of a feeling of isolation.
Don’t you feel a bit more glamorous and welcome with the latter?
Boundaries empower you to be selective about how you spend your time.
To effectively use boundaries, you must communicate them. Word choice makes a difference.
Saying “I don’t", “I never” and “I always” indicate a conviction in what you’re (not) doing.
Example: “I have a personal rule where I stop all notifications at 5pm to spend focused time at home.”
Alternatively, saying “I can’t” indicates someone else might have control over your choice instead of you.
👂️ Check out this Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast to learn more about the art of communicating boundaries.
Solution:
Setting individual and relationship boundaries will increase communication, establish mutual respect for individualism, and protect relationship priorities for you and your partner.
Increase Communication: share your boundary and the purpose of it. Not everyone needs an explanation, but your partner does. Your partner wants to understand you on a deep level, so go deep.
Is your boundary informed by your core values?
Does it give you the space to feel joy?
Does it enforce a positive habit you want to adopt?
Establish Mutual Respect for Individualism: sometimes it’s hard to let go of the things you’ve always done on your own. Conversely, you may have forgotten activities you used to do for yourself. Your individual qualities, quirks, and activities set you apart and attracted your partner to you - make space for those.
Create a boundary that fulfills a need of your own.
Encourage your partner to do the same.
Remain open to compromise while upholding your own values.
Protect Relationship Priorities: people and things will compete for your time. If you say yes to everyone and everything, you may unconsciously be saying no to your relationship. Don’t neglect being with your partner.
Establish rituals where you dedicate time together, like cooking dinner, learning a skill, date night, or weekend activities outside of the house.
Revive an activity you did when you started dating and make time to do that again.
Action:
Boundaries typically fail “when we expect other people to give us what we need as opposed to taking the initiative ourselves.”
Self-Assement. Have you established any boundaries? If not, it’s time to set some.👌If so, are those boundaries barbed wire or velvet ropes?
Identify Needs. What do you need more of in your life to be your authentic self? What activity would strengthen your relationship? What outcome do you want to achieve by using a boundary?
Ideas: making time together, avoiding or refusing to take the blame, active listening (aka. no phones or tablet time), financial prudence, commitment to a vacation, or accepting or asking for help.
Prioritize. What will you say yes to and what will you say no to?
Set and Share. Verbalize an individual boundary with your partner and discuss why it’s important. Together, create a boundary that allows you to prioritize time with each other and say no to everyone else. (Hmm, this could be an acceptable use of a barbed wire boundary 😉 .)
Conclusion:
You and your partner can both win with boundaries by recognizing your individual needs while also solidifying your commitment to prioritizing time together.
✅ You got this!
Thrive together,
Michelle @ Partnership Pulse
P.S. Sending a warm welcome to those who joined Partnership Pulse last week! So glad you’re here!
P.P.S. 👋 Connect with me on LinkedIn for posts about strategy, leadership, and growth - I’d love to hear from you!